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October 18th, 2005
04:51 pm - redempetion
weeee lj
suppose that a method was found to use electricity to create particles. of course, to create alot of matter woudl require a phenominal amount of electricty, but i see no reason why this should be immpossible. It would not disrupt the second law of thermo becasue there would be waste. the energy of the matter would be less than that of the electircty used. But now suppose we could make brownian generators. use the random motion of atoms to generate electricity. If that were possible there would be less chaos in the system. and better yet you could use the electricity to make matter. is there a physical reason why this woudl not work? could a way be found ot make brownian generators? i don't know i will have to find otu, but i was borred and had this thought
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July 26th, 2005
11:00 pm
many of my friends have said they can't wait to leave, they want to get out of here they hate it here, and so on. and for most of them i see why. but for me i don't want to leave, partially for sentimental reasons/fear of the unknown and what not, but msot it's casue i like it here. i knwo thats a terrible thing to say, after all this si really a borring palce, but i mean, i have it good.
I don't hate my family, actually i really likt having them around to talk to. now that is weird, i don't know anyone one else who has said that. but i really liek having them here. i mean i can talk to them and they tell me interesting/useful stuff. even havign a little brother isn't bad, he is rather funyn sometimes and can be a good friend when he isn't being unreasoanble. And besides family i agev good firneds finalyl who i actually like to and activly seekout spending time wiht. i get to do stuff and be mobile, and my parents aren't protective or anyhtign so i cna hang out a reasonable amount now. so that makes my life enjoyable. And school, it's ok. i really don't mind going to school, especialyl when i don't have to worry about grades, which i do, but i can pretned not. and even if i have to work for them, i woudl get bored if i didn't learn stuff.
so waht does college offer me, the chance to learn alot mroe at a high speed. but i feel compftable with waht i am learing now. what else does it have to offer, alot of work, which is ok, but there is a limit, the chance to make new firneds, well ispent years finding friends that i really enjoyed being with so wh find new ones. i geuess a change of scenery, but i don't mind it here, there are beautiful places here if you know where to look, sure it's borring as hell, but there are worse places. and thats it. i mean thats alot, but i don't see it as any better than what i have now. i really do like highschool and i really do like bieng silly and i really do liek okemos, nough said.
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July 25th, 2005
11:38 pm - physics angst? science angst? angstrom?
Technically, and in a basic form, angst is existential dread, the bad feelings associated with the notion of free choice. I know that it has been stretched far beyond that, but it's the general idea. I suppose if you take those notions to mean that people to choose to be assholes then it can be anything from my boyfriend doesn't love me to adults are screwing the world over to I hate republicans/everyone.
But that is unimportant
I have found that a different type of angst shows within some people. It is dread caused by knowing things about the universe. To many people the manifests in a small way that eventually reaches the point of "we are like a totally tiny speck in the huge galaxy. Of course, if you know enough then you know that if we are 10e0 m and the galaxy is something like 10e27? I think that’s close, then we are more small then is humanly possible to picture, (or i can't atleast) and not onyl are we tiny in the galaxy but the galaxy itself is tiny.
But it reaches some people on a higher level creating much higher levels of dread.
When people learn about the nature of physics, to form a model that explains the way things are they see that we simply don't know, and may never know if we are right or what we know is true. They think, what is really going on, what is truth, they find this fundamentally disturbing and quite a good source of angst. For many it is difficult to see the point if we will never know, I mean, what is the point, wtf, life sucks, lol actually this leads to a lot of this is an illusion thinking, and hey, maybe it is, but that doesn’t ad to peace of mind.
Another source of physics angst, which I will from now on most inappropriately refer to as angstrom form now on because it’s mildly clever if you don’t really think at all, comes form thinking about what came before the big bang, and why the hell is there a universe/existence and basically wtf. This is where you come to a religious topic, but if you stick to a physics view of it is very difficult and makes you feel like no one at your school knows you are there, well sort of… Thinking about that type of thing really give you a feeling of misunderstanding and lostness, both good words, but bad ways to feel. (1)
Then there is the big one for me, Hubble expansion. For some reason, no one else seems to be bothered by this. It shows that everything(except andromeda) is moving away from everything else at faster and faster speeds depending on how far away it is. That means that eventually the entire universe will be a bunch of dead rocks zooming away at speeds faster than the speed of light, that’s right hahaha faster than the speed of light. But anyway eventually there will be no tapable energy and all life will end and will never start up again. there will be no big bounce cause there is only 1/4 the mass needed. That disturbs me a lot. I mean, the thought that I will die is bad enough, the thought that everyone I know and love will die two is bad enough, but to know hat everything will die is terrible, everything will die and have no chance of rebirth. Yikes that’s so terrible. Sure I will be so long dead that I can’t imagine when it will happen, sure the earth itself will be gone by then, but there can never be anymore life of any kind on any planet. How horrible
Ok theres more, but I don’t want to write it so either I’ll wait or just it will get lost in the depths of my memory
1. Trillian Aim Log, Miles, Shiwei, Erin, et al.
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July 20th, 2005
10:33 pm
so i was mowing the lawn again...
but i all i was thinking aobut things that i havn't figured out again. mostly what it means to love and why am i the way i am. too deap for one mowing session, so heres this
never hurry, never worry
that one spider, charlotte
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July 16th, 2005
11:13 pm - HP LJ
this is about harry potter don't read it if you havn't read the book yet just don't DON'T DO IT
DON'T READ THIS i think i will have to code it for your own protection if you have read the book feel free. hmm heres how to decode it. take the first word of the way the things get in the place, (sorry must be vague) convert every word in the alphabet to a number a=1 b=2 and so on but start over after 9 so that j=1 k=2. so back to the word. each letter has been replaced with either third sixth or seventh letter, so a=*third letter*1 b=*third letter*2 c=*sixth letter*1. well that shoudl be good, too bad no one will bother. but it was fun anyway.
H54i3h4h52h3h55h54h6h9h55, i2n8h55i7 h2n9h3h3h55h54 n8n9h4. n9i2 i5h51i1 i1h6 i3h5h55i6h7h55h53i2h55h54. n9 h51h4 h5h6i2 i1i3h9h55 i5n8i7, n9i2 h1i3i1i2 i5h51i1. n9i2i1 h5h6i2 i2n8h51i2 i7h6i3 h54n9h54h5i2 i2n8n9h5h2 i1h6h4h55i2n8n9h5h57 h52h51h54 i5h6i3h3h54h5i2 n8h51h7h7h55h5, i7h6i3 h1i3i1i2 h54n9h54h5i2 i2n8n9h5h2 n9i2 i5h6i3h3h54 h52h55 i2n8h51i2. n9 h57i3h55i1i1 n9 h51h4 i2h6h6 h53h3h6i1h55 i2h6 i2n8h55 i1i2h6h9i7, H54i3h4h52h3h55h54h6h9h55 h1i3i1i2 h51h3i5h51i7i1 n8h51h54 i2n8h55 h51h5i1i5h55h9i1 h6i1 n9 h54h6h5i2 h2h5h6i5. H52i3i2 i5n8h51i2 i5n9h3h3 n8h51h7h7h55h5 h5h55i6i2, n9 h53h5h51i2 i2h55h3h3 h51i2 h51h3h3. H51i2h3h55h51i1i2 i5n9i2n8 i2n8h55 h6i2n8h55h9 h52h6h6h2i1 i7h6i3 i1h6h9i2 h6h56 h2h5h55i5 i5n8h51i2 n9h5 h57h55h5h55h9h51h3 i5h6i3h3h54 n8h51h7h7h55h5 n9h5 i2n8h55 h5h55i6i2 i7h55h51h9. I2n8n9i1 i2n9h4h55 i7h6i3 h1i3i1i2 h54h6h5i2 i7h6i3 h54h6h5’i2 h2h5h6i5 h51h5i7i2n8n9h5h57. H51h5h54 i5i2h56, i1h5h51h7h55, n9 h1i3i1i2 h54h6 h5h6i2 h57h55i2 n9i2. H4i7 h57i3h55i1i1 n9i1 i2n8h51i2 n8h55 n9i1 i1i2n9h3h3 h6h5 i2n8h55 h57h6h6h54 i1n9h54h55, h52i3i2 n9 h9h55h51h3h3i7 h1i3i1i2 h53h51h5h5h6i2 i2h55h3h3. n9i2 i5h6i3h3h54 h52h55 i2h6 h55h51i1i7 h56h6h9 n8n9h4 i2h6 h1i3i1i2 n8h51i4h55 h57h6h5h55 h6i4h55h9, i1h6 n9 h54h6h5i2 i2n8n9h5h2 h6i3h9 h54h55h51h9 h51i3i2n8h6h9 i5h6i3h3h54 h54h6 i2n8h51i2, h52i3i2 i7h6i3 h5h55i4h55h9 h2h5h6i5. H56h6h9 n9h5i1i2h51h5h53h55, n9 i2n8h6i3h57n8i2 h2h9h55h51h53n8h55h9 i5h51i1 h6h5h3i7 h7h9h55i2h5h55h54n9h5h57 i2h6 i5h6h9h2 h56h6h9 n8h51h9h9i7. H52i3i2 n9i2 i5h6i3h3h54 h53h55h9i2h51n9h5h3i7 h51h7h7h55h51h9 i2n8h51i2 n8h55 i5h51i1 i1h6 n9h5 i2n8h55 h55h5h54 i1h6 n9 n8h51i4h55 h5h6 n9h54h55h51. n9 h1i3i1i2 h54h6h5i2 h2h5h6i5. H56h6h9 h51h5i7 h6h56 i7h6i3 i5n8h6 h51h53i2i3h51h3h3i7 h51h9h55 h9h55h51h54n9h5h57 i2n8n9i1 n9 h51h4 i1h6h9h9i7 n9i2 i5h51i1 i1h6 i1n8h6h9i2, n8h51h9h54h3i7 i5h6h9i2n8 h54h6n9h5h57 h56n9h5h54 h51h5h54 h9h55h7h3h51h53h55 i2i5h55h5i2i7 i1n9i6 i2n9h4h55i1
i <3 hp
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July 13th, 2005
12:19 am
wow don't read this it's to bad to read i;ll re write it better later
this is a randome thing that has nothign to do with recent events at all infact it's sommthign i thought of years ago, but thought of this clearly months ago, and was reminded about it cause i have been rereading enders game. wow that made alot of sense
anyway here is it is. i think i may have talk to some fo you about thsi but oh well. The history of humans has is fundimentally cool. through their actions people have created an ultimatly romantic past. wow this is some fo the worst writing i have done so far. and people are always in search of taht. this sin't even makign sense yet
take recent history. there was world war one. ther was very little romantic aobut it. it was stupid war started for stupid reasons fought be normal people that jsut died. This seems like an end of this cool history, but low and behold, a new world war. now an idealistic one where the enemy is so evil that the war is jsutified and our soldiers did not die to to kill other poor sods who had to fight as well, now they could become heros, which they were. By both the germans and the japanese being evil we managed to retain the romantisism of the past. anyway this ins't really the point
here is the important stuff
Dune is the ultimate in cool. my brother once asked me what the book was about. and i told him it was about being as cool as possible. it is set in a futuristic world, but there arn't guns or ways of killing mass people. the gun are removed by use of shields and use atomic bombs results in planitary abliterment. so instead you are left wiht a fighting system basedon deuling. and that is what people crave above all else. the skill of a person. that is the ultimate in cool
wow don't read this it's to bad to read i;ll re write it better later
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July 10th, 2005
12:28 am
this is the only online quiz i have felt worth posting (i have done everyone i have come across) you shoudl do it, it really is short
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
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July 6th, 2005
12:46 am
negative download???????
someone tell me what is goign on
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July 5th, 2005
11:42 pm
i had a strange thought, especially for me.
I hate most of the people at school, even my friends. oh, don't worry, not you, my older friends, no none of you, really. i am nto sure why, oh well, maybe i don't hater them, jsut i don't like them very much, and think they are er, over there and er, my thoughts are hard to put into tangible thoughts let alone words. But just know that i don't like many people, and it seems rather liek i dislike them.
quite a strange though for me. I always seem like i feel happy. But thne i relaized i don't really care about the other people at school, thats why i can have so much hate and still be happy. It's like this hate = say 5670, a rather high number. but to see how that changes how i feel you multiply by how many people i hate and by how much i care about each of those people soo it becomes 5670(i don't know how many peopel there are that i hate)(0)=0 ok thats not true i care a little so more like (5670)(x)(.00021)=1.19x if x is say 2000 which would be alot of people, than the total happiness effect is 2380. So even if i hate that many people it effects me less than the hate of one person that i care about.
ok that was alittle weird, but it's nice to know
of course if i do start caring aobut you then most likely i will ahte you less, so that evens out as i meet mroe people. except for some of my old friends. i guess i don't hate them, onyl i don't really like being wiht them, i jsut alwyas have, so i always will. some of them i don't mind but i don't know pretty much every boy that knew form middle shcool that i havn't talked to in the last two weeks, i jsut don't liek being with you, atleast not anymore. oh well. enough hating.
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July 4th, 2005
12:33 am
i used to belive that people had stopped evolution. We helped the weekest survive, we help everyone survive. those with genetic sickness ones who are jsut stupid. I knew and belived firmly that this is as it should be, but i could not help but be a little saddened that as a species we are not goign to get any better.
but i recently have come to a differnt conclusion. We have not ruined evolution, but rather we have replaced it. We are the first speices that can totally replace natural seleciton with learning.
Of course, we are not the first animals to use learning, all other aware creatures can leanr to a certain extent (if you make that extent none at all). Hmm thinking of an example. i once saw (on tv) a snake try to eat a brightly colored newt. The newt was foul tasting and evnetully the snake spit the newt out, and would never eat brightly colored newts again. Now the newts has obviously evolved so that first it tastest bad, and second that it has yellow spots. there is nothing differn't about that. But the snake learned through it's actions, (for all of you who are stupid) not to eat yellow spotted newts. Now if the snake could not learn, in order to know not to eat the newt all the snakes would have to die, or atleast be less likly to reproduce untill one came along in which some protein changed and that chnged some brain chemical that created an instinct to stay way from yellow spots when they are on newts. In stead of thousands of snakes dieing, each snake merely has to have one bad night if they happen to come across one of the newts.
now that was to show that learnign is more effiecient than evolution. But most animals are limited in this ability. even the very best cna only take it soo far, perhaps because of a lack of memory or computaiton power. many lack the ability to make connections well enough. some even are only limited in how much they can do with what they have learned (if you didn't have hands and couldn't speak how useful woudl inventing algrbra be to you). But humans are perfectly suited towards learning. We used evoultion to give us a mind that can instanly make connection, remember those connections in many ways, and a body to use what we have learning as well as pass it on to other. all of that was evolution. but what now. genetic improvement has greatly slowed and continues to slow ever since humans became humans. by now almost everyone can have kids, no matter how weak their genes may be. So we have used learning to take us to a whole new level. the combinded experinces of countless generations now can benefit what someone has learned. by continueing to learn we have managed to allow everyone to pass on their genes, and whats more each person has the opertunity to enjoy themsleves, stange little by products of evolution.
there shoudl be mroe to this but i don't want to write anymore, and i am sure some people jsut want me to post as soon as possible
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June 28th, 2005
12:01 am
well, due to a huge lack of sleep i promised myself that i would bein bed by midnight. yet here i am far from my bed and midnight is quickly passing. I do not show an signs of sleeping. It is not that i cannot sleep in the traditional sense. if i lay down i would be quite out in a few minutes. And it's not that i am having so much fun i don't want to stop. i am really rather bored. talking to alicia and erin, and by tlaking i mean when i think of a question (like every half hour) i ask it and get a responce that sparks like three lines total. The only other thing i am doing besides that is playing a game that came out in 1998 (diablo II is the best game ever). times passes increadibly slowly.
So why don't it sleep. I found that i need two things: sleep and relaxation. strangly enough relaxation comes first. Every day i need a certian amount of relaxation (read sitting around doing something lollingly mindless usually infront of the computer). with out that i simply cannot funciton. Since i started work i have been deprived of my oppertunity to take that time, even more so than when going to school. also i find that the more i do in the day the mroe of this time i need. so now when i shoudl be sleeping so i don't fall asleep at the wheel (or lazer) i must be mindless yet awake.
horray for complaining aobut myself.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) ish
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June 23rd, 2005
11:56 pm
fun dream i had here
So i was at school, in the parking lot and there was some kind of argument, but i don't remember waht that was about. Finals jsut got over with, but i was in the triwizard tournament so i didn't have to take finals. so then i get in my car with joey schmmidt (sp?) and drove away. i apparently drove into the desert to go to a utopian society. By this time i was with someone, who had no identiy what so ever except being poor. posibly ti was still joey, but i doubt it. so we went to go buy a hosue at the housing building, which was a one walled building. When we asked ot buy houses the lady at the desk gave away a house for free to the person i was with becasue he/she was poor. i thoguht that was ratehr unfair, but oh well. So then i asked for a house. She said i could either have a house for $300 or a car to live in for $200. I only had $200, a $100 dollar bill and a bunch of tens and twenties that added up to another hundred, and besides i thought living in a car would be fun, i pictured a van of some sorts. But when i looked at the car is was a 1920's racecar that was three feat wide at best and had only one seet. It was also yellow and stuck in the dry dirt of the desert. And i thought man, i don't want to live in that. And then i saw a $100 houseing voucher. (the voucher was a block of wood with two screws in it, a saftly block i made at work the day before) sitting on the ground. so using suprisinly good kung fu skills i fliped it up onto the desk at the housing place (my hands were full of money) with the voucher i coudl buy the house. so then i tired ot find back the $100 bill, and i kept looking in my pockets by pulling out a bunch of bills but i could only find my smaller ones. so now i only had $200 again. But i tried to get the lady at the desk to give me the house anyway, so i kissed her. she fell in love with me and tired to give me the hosue but then the mayor came over and she couldn't. then i woke up.
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11:47 pm
Here is a great story by Alicia. It must be posted so that it will be remembered forever.
so there's this kid jack
and his sexy little sister named jill
who is a whore, but that is beyond the point
well jill needed some water, because she was in labor with miles's 92384672893746th child
so jack grabbed her
and started dragging her up the hill
soooo
then miles came along
and he just couldn't help himself
so he grabbed on to jill and fondled her boobs
while she was in labor
so there was jack
dragging jill and miles
and he was looking rather tired
sooo he says "fuck this"
takes out a machine gun
or a trebuchet
i like a trebuchet better
rips the babie out of jill's stomach
and then trebuchets miles and jill into the sunset
where the go KASPLAT
then taking the baby
he raises it up as his sidekick in the criminal world
b/c jack is very involved in the blakc market you know
one day the baby grew up
and decided that jack was a bastard
so he pushed him down the hill
and he broke his crown and died
then the baby journed to the furthest reaches of the earth
found jill and miles
and joined in on the orgy
the end.
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June 19th, 2005
11:06 pm
rar, i thought after reading so much of other people post i should reciprecate, but alass i find myself at a loss for topic so for all of you reaidng this you wasted your time, there is no content or purpose other than to fill your friend pages with QUATSCH
Current Music: alicia's techno i love you alicia
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June 17th, 2005
11:39 am
i call this waiting as in waiting for godot. it is really borring, but i love it way to much
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June 14th, 2005
11:26 pm
last night i watched something on pbs (yes pbs) about mixed people, that is people of mixed race. The people interview on the show were mostly part asian part white. I though wow, this is jsut like me. but then i foudn they were not like me.
they brought these people onthe show to as representative of the common mixed population, but they wern't. they were all from a mixed race college group. these people found it nessisary to seek out other people "like them" in order to feel apart of things. naturally they tlaked aobut how when you are mixed you don't feel a part of any race so you are so lonly and you don't fit with anyone, that is until they met these other people, other mixed people. with those people they finally had something in common. but the way i see that it, finding friends based on that is extremely shallow. if you cannot fit in with people unless they are the same type of races as you then you have a small problem. the truth of the matter is that most of the time no one cares what race you are. and besides taht people of mixed race, when identifing with a racial group are accepted into both, not neither. the fact that they are in a mixed race group doesn't make them representative of mixed people, but rather the opposite, they are the outliers. instead of living their race, truly not caring what race others are, they are the very close minded peopel that their parents ahd to overcome. it's true that they may be braught together by sharing a common experience, but i find that there isn't that much of an experience in being mixed, atleast mixed oriental and white, unless you want there to be one. there are far better things to be worried about than the fact that you ate chicken nuggets with chopsticks when you were four years old, that is not grounds for friendship or acceptance.
each person on the show spoke, very generaly, aobut their difficulties the stemed from being mixed. a then each person talked about how wonderful it was that they now had this group where they were just like everyone else. what they fail to realize is that on that level, a racial one, to a mixed person, you are just like everyone else, really everyone. not even jsut the races to which part of yur blood belongs, but to everyone. the differneces between races can be so small in these times that they means nothing. that these people need to find other mixed people show not only that they might have some selfconfidence issues, but also that they do not understand what their parents did. it's truet that they say "i can only imagine how hard it was for my parents" but that do not see that the most fundemental issue their parents delt with is not the public interference, but rather the realization taht race doesn't matter. it think to many that now comes standard, expecially to most mixed people. but to those ont he show, that realization didn't apear to have dawned.
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12:28 am
on a differn't note, i jsut spent an 1:22 rendering this picture, and it's rather grey. oh well i like it, makes a calm background
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: dvorak violin concerto mm III
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June 13th, 2005
09:50 pm
mowing the lawn oce again, damn grass, seems like it keeps getting taller.
but on the plus side i got my weekly (or more or less foten depending on how quickly the grass grows) amound of thinking.
Many people do not belive in god, and even more don't really associate wiht any religion. But still, they can be moral people. I see this in myself: try as i might i cannot belive in a god or an afterlife, try as i might, but i find myself haveing morals all the same. They can be completly summerized thusly (what a good word 'thusly') don't hurt anyone, including yourself. that is it, pure and simple. never do anythign that casues harm of any type to people. this works extremely well, except that life isn't always balck and white. what if something causes good to many people but hurts a few. but that is always the difficulty with morals, especially when there are no comandments tellign you though shalt not. the system seems to work well for me though. i havn't had many complaints, and i fell ok with it so i'm goign to stick with it, but it does lead to differn't choices in actions than religious morals. take lieing: thou shalt not bear false witness seems pretty clear, but i can lie whenever i damn well choose. except i can't. i can only lie when it won't hurt anyone. that means alot, i can't lie if i am conceling osmthgin that someone needs, or if i am hurting myself, or my up bringing, or my charracter or somthing like that (it can get a little grey) but most importantly i cannot lie if it hurts me by damamging someones perception of me, or worse damages someone's perpective of people. (for some reason i see peopel believing in other people as important) so in fact it is diffcult for me to lie, but when i do it doesn't hurt anything.
But the most puzzling question remains: where do these morals come from? my most unfortuante and naive ahtiest view of religious morals it that they come from a fear of hell. thou shalt not... ... or you'll go to hell. to me, the concept of hell is a very neagitve one, that is it si a disheartening and bad reason to be moral. Doing somthign out of fear means only that oyu fear pain, not that you are doing what you really belive in. even if that is not the case (which it probalby isn't) then where do religous morals come from. from god or somthign, one who can't belive in a diety has difficulty with this, but i can accept that the reason for morality is somthing. but where do my morals come from. why do i choose not to hurt people, why do i choose to help people that are no me. It could be said taht everythign i do stems from selfishness, that by helping other i excpect somthign, but i don't i really don't. i have morals becasue they are built into humans, maybe it was evoltuion, (which would aregue that being moral lets you have sex more) and i belive that. but i also think that through evolution we as people have a cetain obligation or somthgin to live up to the inner sense of morality. To me this is a far better reason than fear of a negative after life. morals coem from people. without them then there are is no civlization. being moral does help me, but it helps everyone else jsut as much. besides, i am a person too. don't i desrver to be helped?
and becasue i thought of this phrase while mowing i still want ot use it even though it doesn't fit "in a time when religion is either growing more fanatical or disapearing..."
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June 5th, 2005
10:47 pm
well as everyone knows, or most popel anyway shiwei decided out romantic involvent was not working so that is over. Though i am disapointed i understand her reasons and cannot seem to hate her, as mcuh as i try to lay balme and anyone, including mysle fit jsut doens't work. ther eis no blame. after the initial loss of someone to be angry about i find this a welcome change. i can't hate anyone so i don't fell hate. how wonderful. so guess what i am back to happy (almost, well close enough). i think this is a good example of how veristile people are but, well i will have to wait and see.
i must admit that alot of my happiness come from things changing very little. at first i was distraught becasue the littl place i keep in me for love love, that was empty. but i found that is i simply move that love to friendship lvoe then things are still going well. The fact the shiwei is sill my friend (and i lveo you all the more for it) is the ebst thing that has happened to me that i can think of at the moment.
doing relatvitly good, though it is interesting to remember but feeling the slightest bit down all the time is like
Current Music: the hum of my hard drive
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May 31st, 2005
09:07 pm
so i am done with puberty
Or atleast i am pretty sure. I can't eat anymore. no more 3000 calori days no more huge lunch huge dinner. Can hardly eat anyhtign really, very depresseing. I hadn't felt full for about three years until a month ago. But thats all gone now. yes my apetite has left me.
My second indication is that i am always happy, really always happy. SO i decided that is due to my hormones leveling out again. also that lined up nicly with the lss in apetite. or pretty close anyway. i feel very very little angst or even jealousy, though that might be shiwei jsut being awsome, ( she really is) but i am too happy for to be a normal teen. last the er, other emotions that are associated with teens, realy feelings mroe than emotions seem to be draining from me. really, i feel no lust what so ever, no matter how beautiful the people, espeiclay a certain yellow tinted people, are i would much rather sit in embrace than in other more provactavie positions.
so based on my extensive knowledge on human developement i decided i am most likly done. i guess thats good i can be calm and reasonable, atleast in my mind. realyl ihavn;t bmade too many bad desciions latly so it seems to be working. really, as happy as i am this must be good.
Current Mood: happy
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lohborn's journal
